dating and weight and ....

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  1. it took me awhile to learn that ordering in something i could make myself had its own merits :)
    hang in there, nomorelaw. i haven't dated in over 12 years, but i kinda get what you are saying about feeling like you've earned a level playing field by losing weight, and i definitely understand the whole anxious eating bit.
    from what i can recall, it's when you are happy and content within yourself that the simpatico men appear. so maybe today do something that makes you happy and gets you away from trying to predict the future.
    i'm going to try to do the same over here :)

  2. thanks the egg white omlette I could have made myself was definitely much better because I didn't have to cut any veggies or do any clean up.
    On the dating front - and very off difo topic - just about ready to give up. Been on a million dates and now just exhausted and depressed by my 6 years of being single and meeting crappy men. Met a guy I thought was nice recently but not sure it is going anywhere. Ugggg....

  3. again it's been awhile for me. but what you describe is pretty much how i met my husband. i was done with men and dating. when he and i started hanging out, i had no expectations and thought of him as purely a friend.
    if you let go of trying to control the outcome, you are going to have a better time in the moment.

  4. Funny, that's how it worked with my SO as well I was searching searching searching, dating, online dating...
    Then I just gave up and stopped looking, took a martial arts class, a yoga class... met my SO and we just became friends (at least that's how I thought of it) who talked about sports.
    Now it's great :)
    Good advice Chidame.
    Happy 4th. I'm happy you went running too, that's awesome!

  5. Can agree with this too The "right" guy seems to come when you least expect it.
    Look at me, shortly after my seperation I reconnected with a friend. I had no desire to date, I was feeling pretty terrible about myself. But I had a friend that made me feel better and for a few months we were just friends. It got really hard to deny my feelings though. We haven't been dating that long but it feels like I've skipped the "honeymoon" stage of most new relationships and just went into "comfort".
    We're yet to have a serious argument. Everything is talked about immediately and dealt with accordingly. There's never any blame either. It's cliche but it's totally "I feel like this" "I'm sorry you feel like that, what can we do to fix it" I'm not used to this at all but it's getting easier.
    Think I'm in this one for the long haul. And if you'd asked me if I was going to meet some one 10months ago, I would have said "hell no, I'm not dating for a few years at least!"

  6. It's speaks volumes when you can come from a place of honesty, no pretense, friendship, vulnerability and be accepted.
    A relationship that comes from that place is really very strong. I'm happy you have that :)

  7. Yup Glad you have that too! there must be something about the "friends first" thing.

  8. also... C--P...how long have you been with SO?

  9. Since November... It's still relatively new by most people's standards, however when you get to be our ages (37 and 30) you have a pretty clear understanding of what it is that makes a great relationship.
    I'm glad to hear you have a relationship that allows open communication. I'm sure it's a completely different world from the marriage...
    Funny how healthy relationships are so easy. I thought everything had to be 'worked towards' and 'compromised' (read:lose yourself) and that's just not the case. The only thing we tend to 'work at' in our relationship is being as supportive as we can of eachother.

  10. Sometimes you just know, it doesn't matter how long you've been together.
    I agree that you learn what makes a great relationship with experience and age. You also learn what you need out of a partner. A lot of people think I'm moving too fast. That this relationship is too serious for just getting divorced and because of my age (and his age, he's 27...big deal). But I think I learned a lot from my last relationship. I learned what isn't right in a relationship and through that I learned what I want in a relationship. I feel like I found what I want.

  11. is 27 supposed to be too old for you or too young?

  12. old I'm 23. Well it's not that he's too old, I think some people are just worried that he's ready to settle down and have kids and that I'll jump into that even if I'm not ready(cuz you know, I haven't learned from past mistakes :P)

  13. to quote min ha.
    27 being old is pretty dang funny :)
    you should tell everyone that he's your sugar daddy and you are using him for his reitrement bank roll. tell them you hide his cane every night so he can't chase after you while you paint the town red at every juke joint in town.

  14. HA! well, I guess to my pretty traditional family, he should be married with kids by now so HE MUST be thinking about it.

  15. It's all about life experience. I'm 25, and my fiance is 34. He's ready and quite able to settle down and start a family, and though I'm young, I'm already divorced and have a child. I learned from my exhusband what I can and cannot handle in a relationship, what my strengths and weaknesses are, and how I function in a relationship, both when the going is good, and when it's bad. I know what kind of person I need to be able to balance and complement my personality.
    I'm young, but I have DONE the dating scene, and now I own my own company, and have traveled all over the world, and am ready to settle down and be stable. A lot of people my (our) age are still boozing it up in college and don't have any idea of what they want in life, let alone in a partner, so if you know, and you've found it, who cares how old he is or how long you've been together?
    It's not the number that matters, it's how compatible you are together in your goals and abilities to be successful in a relationship.

  16. Did you find people were more opposed to a serious relationship since you married and divorced so young? I'm just finding that to be true with a lot of family members. They are happy I am happy but are worried that because I have never really "dated" that I am missing out on "young" life experiences. I don't want to date though, I like having a serious relationship. I don't booze it up (often) and already have a management position with the company I have worked for since a very young age. I own my own condo, and am planning on going back to school part time in the fall. I feel like I've always been pretty mature for my age and those life experiences that people think I'm missing out on just don't interest me.

  17. Forgot to add Wow, you've done really well! You own your own business? That's amazing! Congrats on everything!

  18. Thanks :o) You know, in the beginning, the people that were most opposed to my young marriage were my friends.
    My family had seen me develop young and had watched me, in high school, do the things most people are doing in their mid to late 20's. The drinking, the late nights, the bad influence friends, the drugs, the casual sex...all of that in my early teens. I think my family finally assumed that if I got married, (to a much older man, nonetheless) I might settle down. They were right.
    I was always extraordinarily independent as a teenager, I just wasn't very responsible. Funny how the two are always assumed to go together, but they don't necessarily do.
    Now, I have the lifestyle of someone in their mid-thirties. While I sometimes regret the loss of my 20's in minor ways, I much prefer what I have, and my friends and family know that and support it.
    As for my fiance, my family loves him. He's strong and loyal, brilliantly intelligent and driven, and he's very level. We're wonderful together, with my spontaneity and easy distraction.
    I totally get what you're saying--about how your "wonderful 20's" aren't really what you're about. In the end, your choices are your own, and you're the only one who can make them. It sounds like you know what you want, and that is wonderful! Not many people can say that.

  19. We sound similar in a lot of ways.
    My family totally loves my SO, he's basically the most amazing person I've ever met. we have the same goals and we're both done with the "party" stage in our life. We have so many similarities it's scary but enough differences to balance each other out. I never believed in soulmates, but honestly if I did, he would have to be mine, I can not imagine my life without him.
    Sounds like you too know what you want and that's really amazing. I'm glad I got a chance to talk to you today. It's nice to know that someone has been through some of the same things I have.

  20. Aint't it the truth? I always assumed every relationship would be work--always working to agree, working to compromise, working to be supportive and loving when you didn't feel like it.
    I kind of feel bad when people apologize for DH being deployed and being gone so long all the time, because while it would be hard for a lot of relationships, it's not for us. I love him with everything I have, and trust him explicitly, and our relationship has never been work. yeah, there's days when I miss him so badly I could cry (and sometimes do) but I always know he's a phonecall away and will be home soon, and this will all be over.
    And we met the same way...I was actually IN a relationship when we met, and I wasn't looking for anyone. But we just totally hit it off as friends, and it gradually progressed. We broke it off before I ended up cheating on my partner, and he waited for me while I married the jerk, had a child with the jerk, then divorced the jerk. He called me one day after the divorce and aksed how things were, and we picked right back up. We'll be married in October. :)
    Funny things happen when you're not looking.
    Keep up the faith, NoMoreLaw...I firmly believe the right guy will find you when the time is right. In the meantime, just have fun!

  21. thanks :) the bigger part of the victory was that the husband and i bought an amazing amount of beer last night. he opened chimay blue and poured me half a juice glass to try.
    i drank it, enjoyed it and thought about drinking more - and instead decided to go to bed. it was 8:45. i don't think i've given myself anything that nice - object, activity, or otherwise - in years.

  22. I hear you. I think this goes way back for women. From a young age we're told how 'cute' we are. We're fussed over when we get dressed up. We realize looking good, being 'pretty', is important.
    It escalates at the pre-teen and teen years. As a pre-teen we're all concerned about if we'll date and being popular. And so much of it, we feel, is based on how we look and even what clothes we wear.
    It just gets worse in high school. If you date a lot you tend to think it's because you look good. If you don't date a lot, you think it's because you don't look good.
    We can only change so much. One thing we can 'try' to change is weight. 'If I'm thin enough'. That's when our life long obsession with weight begins.
    It sounds like you have made a lot of progress on your self-image. I think it's something we have to continually work on. What helps me is not thinking about a 'diet', 'getting thin', or even 'I am thin'. I think in terms of getting healthy and fit. Weight loss, or maintaining is just a bonus. If you continue to recommit yourself to staying healthy, it gets easier to not even think about carbs and cheese. They just don't fit into your lifestyle now. (or only rarely. lol)
    Also, 'waiting to hear from soneone' and 'craving carbs and cheese' is sending the signal to me that you are concentrating on that person and boredom and stress is turning your thoughts to food. My advice? Become more active. Take walks when you don't have anything to do. If you have a friend or neighbor with a dog, ask them if you could walk the dog. Dogs are guy magnets when a girl is walking one. Find a class, go to a movie, go to the library and sit there and read a book. Get out of the house to stop the cycle. AND every single time you walk out your door you stand a chance a meeting the love of your life.
    Have a great day. Get out there and do something. Drive to a park, a lake, whatever.

  23. thanks usually no time for classes - I work full time (more than 9-5) and am getting my second masters degree. No plans this weekend and thinking about this guy way too much.
    Been single for going on six years. Can't even count the number of bad dates I've been on. Exhausted and depressed and just don't have it in me to deal with dating anymore. Getting to the age where my biological clock is also ticking loudly. Just gets lonely.
    Would love to get a dog - wouldn't be fair in my tiny NYC apartment - especially given how little I am home.
    Thanks for the pep talk. I'm going to the gym in a bit but I also know the whole weekend is going to be hard for me.

  24. weekend classes or plans might help - if only to give yourself something else to think about that is school, work, or feeling isolated.
    it might be a little late for this weekend, but if you did any of the below or similar another weekend, you'd be my hero:
    http://www.sailmanhattan.com/
    http://www.aspca.org/site/PageServer?pagename=pro_nyc_volunteer
    http://www.crossfitnyc.org/
    http://www.bigcityvolleyball.com/html/index3.htm
    http://www.nyrr.org/resources/classes/index.asp
    i sound like a great big ol cheerleader, i know and i apologize. i'm fighting off my own blues this weekend, and part of my plan of attack is to have things to keep me busy if i want to keep busy, and have distractions if i just want to loaf. i have a stack of library books about a foot and a half tall, 2 movies on dvd, a list of tasks i could do if i felt like it - and i'm going to do the irondifo challenge this weekend. if you felt up to it, it would be nice to have virtual company in the cookoff this weekend.

  25. i already have a weekend class and have to spend most of my weekend time doing school work. My weekend class is an art class - private lesson, studio is closed this weekend. I've done big city volleyball. I don't mean to sound negative about everything I've just done it all - classes, volunteering, nothing. I've done the life is good who cares about dating - didn't meet anyone and felt like I was being so passive I had no one to blame but myself. I'm just tired of trying and then everyone says it will happen when you dont' try - but all that has happened then is more nothing. I have a job I like, stay busy, do things I'm interested in. Thought I met someone nice but doesnt' seem to be going anywhere and the idea of going back to the drawing board is just depressing right now. I know, I know, I'm very negative today - I'm not always like this. And I went to the gym and wanted to cry and then my knee started to hurt which doesn't help. And I hate that if I hear from him I know my mood will change - and that even if I hear from him there is an issue to deal with (well two issues - him, and then me).
    Thanks for being a cheerleader though. Sorry you're fighting your own case of the blues.

  26. smug marrieds is that what bridget jones called us?
    i didn't mean to make you feel worse.
    you met someone nice. you had a good time. give yourself credit for that, you know? you would give yourself credit for choosing the vegetables over the pasta, or going to the gym instead of wallowing in the covers. in weight loss, it's all "take it day by day, a step at a time." why wouldn't it be the same for dating?
    i still suggest for this weekend at least to give yourself a sabbatical from trying to orchestrate your romantic future and instead focus on the dinky little details that might lift your spirits and make you feel better - even if it's just for 5 minutes at a time.
    for me, i'm trying to cut myself some slack on the whole cyclical worrying thing. it's punishing, that kind of thinking, and i'm trying to put myself back into control over what i choose to think about, instead of letting it just happen.

  27. you didn't make me feel worse I'm just letting myself feel worse. Or letting him make me feel worse. You aren't making it worse at all - the opposite its nice to have someone think good thoughts.
    I hear you on the cyclical worrying. It isn't even this guy - it's the process. Now I feel I'm just waiting until the weekend to see what he does and then to set up a time to talk to him. Just too much time to think.

  28. On the topic of 'not looking' People used to tell me the same thing. "Stop looking and it'll find you"
    Well I found that if I stopped, nothing was happening... passively waiting for someone to FIND ME was making me frustrated.
    So instead, I just focused on me. I stopped looking, yes; and started living more, I:
    - joined martial arts
    - joined yoga classes
    - took up scuba diving
    - went on a great white shark diving expedition
    - worked on my career
    - trained hard at the gym
    - spent more time with family and friends
    - started volunteering for the SPCA
    - went to a few big sisters meetings
    So after all these things, I was pretty confident and comfortable with who I was. I think that inner confidence is what started attracting people... all of the sudden I started thinking "Do I actually want a relationship? This is GREAT!"... then I found a friend with some common interests and we started hanging out on the weekends and going to exhibits and galleries and aquariums and funky antique stores. Pretty soon we started missing eachother when we weren't hanging out, then it blossomed into a relationship.
    So while passively waiting at home for a guy to come bang down the door makes zero sense, it might make more sense to do some work on YOU... be comfortable with YOU.
    I was looking for someone to 'complete the package' and what I needed to was to BE the complete package... with someone to play with along the way :)
    Hopefully this doesn't come across as preachy... it's written with the best intention, having been where you are.
    Girl, I even had the hunk of cheese and box of crackers on my coffee table next to my cell phone...

  29. My best grilfriend went through this exact same thing a few months ago...in fact, if NoMore wasn't in NY, I'd swear I was talking to the same person.
    She told me:
    "I'm sick and tired of people telling me to stop looking and he'll find me. If I stop trying, the only guy who'll ever find me is the pizza delivery guy, because all I'll do is sit on the couch and order take-out".
    That made me laugh, but it's true.
    Unfortunately, love isn't something you can pick up at a grocery store or order from a catalogue. You can't make it happen when you want it to. I know you know this, but instead of focusing on HIm and how HE makes you feel, focus on YOU. Pamper yourself. Take this time to do the things that truly make you happy, that inspire you and evoke happy memories. Try something you've never done before. You said you've done it all, but in NY, that can't be possible. Go outside your comfort zone and try something that has always seemed out of your league or intimidating.
    You might just love it.
    And when you're happy with your own company, and satisfied and fulfilled, it shows. It radiates. And that is the biggest damn aphrodisiac I can think of.

  30. +5 fory ou too dear

  31. thanks everyone I did lots of stuff when I "wasn't looking" and still, nothing so I started looking again. Believe me - I was not just sitting home.
    But I appreciate everyone's well wishes and good thoughts.

  32. Hang in there Sometimes it's a numbers thing, the more people you meet, the more possibilities. Sometimes it's better to be by yourself & friends than in a not-great relationship. Just be good to yourself, sounds like you are working very hard towards a goal.

  33. I am scared to date.... until I lose some more weight! I had a b/f for a few months and he said he thought I was beautiful, didn't need to lose weight, etc... But then I found out that he was actually insecure about losing me if I lost weight and got too hot! All I know is that I don't feel happy with my appearance right now, and my insecurity will show and only attract other insecure people! I dated an overweight man once, and his weight wasn't a problem for me, but his insecurity about it was. Sooo unattractive! I don't want to put that out there, ya know? I have almost always carried a little extra weight, but carried it well so it didn't cause me so many issues. I even had a little stint as a stripper (talk about bringing body issues into the light!) But instead of being 20 lbs overweight, now I am 60 lbs over so I feel like my dating pool has shrunk. Unfortunately, weight and appearance are important, especially to men. I am thinking I will date when I lose 30 more lbs, or when a good prospect comes along...

  34. Don't wait... I hate to see people sitting on the sidelines saying things like "I'll do this when the kids are in school" or "I'll start to date when I lose 30 more pounds."
    If you are ready, date. Don't wait for some landmark in your life to live it.

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